So I realised just now that I’ve been lying to myself a lot about why I quit watching Doctor Who.

That’s right, people who didn’t know (aka, everyone). I quit watching Doctor Who. Like two years ago, actually. I’m still a fan of the show, or so I pretend. I have an Amy Pond cosplay in the BBC contest. I just have a lot of feelings. See, when Matt Smith became the Doctor, I tried really hard to be cool about it. I read every interview with him, before he started working on the show, and I thought he was pretty cool. And I wanted to think he was pretty cool, so I kept saying to everyone how cool he was and how cool I was with the change but… I don’t think I was. 

And now I tell everyone that I quit watching because I hate River Song. And I do. But…. I know perfectly well that she’s not as vital to the show as I make her out to be. And that, if anything, I hate her character because I’m probably kind of jealous. She represents a part of the Doctor’s life that I’ll probably never get to hear of, let alone be a part of. 

So I stopped. I threw a loud angry fit about River Song and stopped watching, only a few episodes into Season Five, with no idea of when I might return. And now that I know that she’s not that big of a deal, that I’d probably love the new stuff… I can’t. Because why? Because “Matt Smith’s Doctor is tainted by River.”

Well, I realised today that that isn’t it. It’s not about River Song. It’s not about Matt Smith (except in one very important way). It’s about Davey Tennant.

When the tenth Doctor left us, I cried so hard. I knew it was going to happen and I was trying to be all big and prepared for it but…. I wasn’t ready. I wanted so much more from him. And time just went super fast and suddenly it was over and I wasn’t ready and so…. I cried and cried and cried. And still, every time I think about it, it makes me want to cry like that. Sick to my stomach. So, that’s the main issue. I fell too hard and got hurt. And I don’t want that to happen again, so I’m distancing myself from something I used to love so much. 

Stupid fandom. Ruining my brain.

Oh, Internet. I know Matt Smith is great (although there seem to be an awful lot of guns in gifs lately….) and I know I’d love it. And I will watch it. When I’m ready. But right now, I just need to cry over my beautiful ten.